One of the best things one can do to LOVE YOURSELF is to face one’s fears in safe surroundings that help build confidence. This is SOOOO not easy, but EXTREMELY FREEING.
Most of us earn fear as a result of difficult, uncomfortable and/or abusive experiences we had in childhood or our past. It’s completely understandable if you developed a set of finely tuned responses and reactions to warn yourself of impending physical or emotional danger; a defense mechanism that no doubt protected you as much as possible when you were under threat.
The problem comes when those defense mechanism don’t match your current reality but pop out anyway, costing you time lost to anxiety or depression. Right? Like when you’re at work and a customer looks like someone who abused you, or when you’re sitting in a restaurant crying and you can’t figure out why.
Life is full of challenge, but long-term…this isn’t good for your physical, cognitive or your emotional body!
But you can love yourself enough to take small steps to face those fears in the right environment and transform everything.
Example:
I am a child sexual assault survivor. Something that I will always be. This has meant that my brain warns me of things in the present….like big hands or people sitting on top of me….that often (like 99.99% of the time) aren’t an actual threat in the present.
I have experienced sudden extreme anxiety sitting across the desk from someone with very large hands. When training in martial arts, I had intense bouts of fear while training in ground fighting; I had to practice getting out of the position of having someone sit on top of me.
In my survivor journey, I came to a place of understanding about where these fears were originating. These fears were lodged in my brain and I was determined to learn whatever possible to calm what I could.
Note: what works for one doesn’t work for all but the process of gaining calm and self-awareness contains remarkable similarities for all. This is remarkably new territory, even today, and there aren’t a lot of resources that provide a roadmap without having to buy into a program of supplementation, or a person’s latest “miracle wellness cure.” Keep it simple and be patient with yourself.
Here’s a brief summary of part of my healing process:
I came to know and accept that my fears were created in moments of abuse as a warning and that my brain was just doing it’s job trying to protect me…I wasn’t losing my mind.
I came to know and accept that my brain was trying to help me, but that I needed a means of calming down more quickly in the present to save my health, but also because I wanted to feel more in control of balancing my emotions in public or at least have a process in place to do that and not feel “crazy.”
I worked on accepting that the abuse I experienced was not happening now. I even accepted that living through the abuse had given me some super powers; I am very dialed in to emotional states of those around me in a way I can now use to provide good guidance and advice. I have empathy and greater understanding.
Knowing and naming my exact fears over time allowed me to be aware enough to catch myself when anxiety or depression was still small so I could turn it around with better coping skills. With practice, I could name the extreme emotional responses and use other coping skills to calm down more quickly.
In physical situations, I worked with trusted partners in martial arts to reclaim a sense of self-control when touch, compression, and perceived physical danger was involved. I let my training partners know when I was anxious and we would pause for a moment. I would jump right back in and face it as soon as I had returned to enough calm to continue. This went a long way to healing sensory components that were triggering intense emotions.
Gradually, through a lot of practice and support, I improved my self-awareness and coping skill set to a place where I am confident that I can face the occasional intense emotions in a cognitively and physically balanced way. The emotions themselves may always be with me….the reactions born of my lived experience….but I know, understand, and can manage them with great competence now.
I could give you example after example of others who have walked a similar road to loving themselves in this way. It’s one of the most important reasons I teach women’s self-defense, martial arts for neurodiverse people, and now … Body-Mind Martial Arts for people who want to face fear holistically and earn their black belt while at it.
Look, it’s scary to face fear. But you can do it. Reach out to me anytime if you’d like to chat about it. It would be an honor to be even a small part of your healing journey.
I’ll leave you with this: Love Yourself and keep loving yourself throughout your whole life. After all, life is difficult enough. You deserve to live as free as possible from fear in this moment. You can do this! <3
